Perhaps it's my feeble perception that others' minds should function the same way mine does. I always think, "Why do they do this when they know it gets on my nerves??? DANG!! If I was [enter name here...], I would realize (especially when Dorian specifically tells [...] ) that what I am doing really bothers him (Dorian), and I would make an effort to change."
Let's say this task proves too difficult for [...] to change. In this case, if I were [...] I would let Dorian know that I am trying, and would ask Dorian to be patient with me. But this never seems to happen.
I deceive myself into thinking that others care about the way I hurt as deeply as I care about the ways in which they hurt. I fatuously seem to think that they would do all of what they could to minimize the things that really cause me pain, anguish, or frustration. I become disillusioned, and sad. I am overcome with lassitude.
I feel doubly cross because I am focusing my frustration, concentrating it to its most potent form, on the people that I care about most. In my own eyes, I become some disgusting bestial thing, wondering, "Why can't I just be content with these wonderful people that I love, and who love me?" Instead I am endlessly browbeating them to reach my high standard of consideration for others, and failing to evince my reciprocated love to them. I am demonizing myself, and failing to relish in some of the most enjoyable things of life. This is the worst aspect of all.
--
[sigh]
I'm thirsty. You know, I should just pour myself a tall glass of water, and gulp down the red pill. But it is so hard for me to surrender my undying optimism when it comes to others' potential. I suppose this is a good thing. However, I seem to be heaping upon myself undue stress and worry. This is the point where I need to give it to God. Mah'fact... I shoulda done that a long time ago....
[sigh]
Thank God for his mercy and love. Unquestionably, he feels this way all the time. I'm coming to realize that this is in fact a lesson from God. He sovereignly and rhetorically broods, with a heavy heart, "Why does [Dorian] constantly do things that I've told him time and time again are displeasing in my sight?" And unbeknownst to me, in my ignorance, I cause God grief by continuing in my sin and disregarding how rejected He must feel.
[sigh]
Yet HE STILL LOVES ME! ... and blesses me daily. He loved me enough to send His only Son to die for me. ME!!??? a wretched sinner worthy of naught. It boggles my mind [and it should] that God can be so patient with me. And yet I seem to to frequently forget His sacrifice, and suffering...
[sigh]
"Have mercy upon me, Lord."
4 comments:
Amen, brotha.
While reading this piece I thought about my own life; there was a time when I took for granted those people (such as my siblings and parents and even close friends) who were closest to me. I can't remember who said this but "people are too often the surliest to those who love them the most." I can identify; in recent years (I think it was around the time I first left home) I've realized, and often regretted, my former propensity to make the people whom I care about the most the victims of my anger, frustration, and even disappointment. But as you said, God is faithful even when we're not.
And no, I don't think it's ever easy; each day is a battle simply because human nature makes it easier to resent than to love, to step of weak someones in pursuit of our own happiness rather than help them in the direction of theirs, to be selfish than selfless, to settle for what we naturally are, however dysfunctional, rather than conform to a higher standard. But the fact that God has blessed us so much despite the fact that we'll always fall short is what's so amazing about grace :)
hey its maikha,
i liked the way you described a discovery of self in your first paragraph.
What you say is so true. I'm reading right now "The uses of Haiti" by Paul Farmer and it brings to light the injustices done to the country over the centuries.
*sigh* it just seems like the struggle is never ending for blacks but one day we'll get our due.
oops my post was refering to the next entry
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